I finally went to church today.
After weeks and weeks of putting it off, and not waking up on time from lack of sleep, I made it to my first mass since we had broken up. Going to church was something that was never really pressed upon me, so when I made the decision to start going on my own, I was proud of myself. I enjoyed believing in a higher power; something greater than my own being. It was also special to have had a partner who also shared the same religion/faith as I did. It was such a satisfying feeling for me that we would go to church together. I think now that I’m older and going forward with my life, faith will be a factor in what I look for in a future partner. For me, church felt like a restart to our week. It would be a good week because we had gone to church, and if the week wasn’t so great, we would go to church and leave all the negativity from the week there and welcome a new week.
I had never gone to church alone. I was nervous. However, once I went in and put some holy water on myself and sat down, my insecurities slowly went away. I sat there listening to our priest talk about letting in the light. How badly had I needed some light to be shone in my life… I had been in such a dark place for weeks. Please Lord, keep me where the light is. It was a beautiful sunny day and I was trying to make the most of it. I felt good today. I had a great day with my Godchild yesterday, and I remembered why I needed to be strong. I always made sure to leave my phone in the car because church was the one place where my sole focus was what was in front of me, not whatever was on the screen. Since the breakup, that had rung loud and clear, and I’ve cut down on the phone usage more than ever before (I’m sorry for not making that more a priority sooner). I prayed a lot that morning. I prayed for God to continue to give me strength. I prayed for understanding. I prayed for him. I left church feeling at peace and ready to continue the rest of my day.
When I got in my car, I had a text from Marie. The wrath had come out in all its glory. Several days had gone by and he still hadn’t come to pick up his things from Ann’s house. At this point, Marie was past the point of irritation. I mean really, why was this so prolonged? Marie was fed up, and ultimately as my best friend, all she was wanted my phone back.
After church, I headed to my mom’s best friends house to spend the day with family. I was nervous. The day before when I was there, her son, Alessandro had about asked him and immediately answered his own question, assuming he was at work which usually would have been the case. He was the last of “the kids” to break the news to. He was the only boy in our family and he grew attached to him. I didn’t want to lie. He was the only one who didn’t know and hadn’t been told by their parents. I knew this one would have to be from me. I walked into the house and said hi to everyone. Alessandro was in his room so I walked in to say hi to him. He gave me a huge hug and asked me about him one last time. I shut the door and took a deep breath. I told him that we weren’t together anymore. The look of shock will never stop hurting. Of course the first question he asked was, “why?” I tried to be as honest as I could be without giving anything away. Easier said than done. God, why is this so hard? I thought that was it and I could be done, but then he asked, “So we can’t hang out with him anymore?” Alessandro was only ten. He was so young. He didn’t understand. My heart fucking burst in the worst way. I could feel MY throat closing so I quickly replied, “No”, left the house, walked straight to my car and sobbed. When does it stop hurting? Kids forget, you know? Eventually they will forget. I would never forget, though. Having the strength and the courage to be honest and try to explain why it didn’t work out. There is really no explaining that to the littles. I knew if I was gone long, my mom would come downstairs and the last thing I wanted was for her to see me crying again. I knew it brought you a great deal a pain, and she didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve this. Why?
I got a text from Ann (Marie’s mom). He had texted her and had picked up his things. And that’s that. I headed over to get the phone and I called Marie. I sobbed the entire car ride there. It was over. No more ties. It was done. He had gone to pick up his things in her car. He was surprised at all the things that were his in the garage. He returned the phone, and I went to retrieve it.
I came went back to my family after composing myself, and I decided to end my day on a good note. I took Alessandro on a date. We saw the new Power Rangers movie in D-Box seats, and went to the arcade after. There were points throughout the night where he held my hand. We had a really nice time, and I’m so glad I did that. I was happy to have gotten him out of the house and spent some quality time with him because I don’t think I could remember when the last time we did that. He was happy, too. He seemed to have had a great time, and that’s al that matters. We’re making new memories.
It’s over, and I guess this is where I begin again.
I don’t even know what that means, but it’s time I find out.*
*Editors Note: This particular post took weeks to write. It was one of the hardest posts to work on because I had to write out what I had already known for over a month. I am finally wrapping this up mid-April, and will keep it to the date when it should have been posted. Reading back on a months worth of posts has made me reflect a lot, and I am excited to fill you all in on what I have been up to since. This whole journey has been an interesting one, and look forward to what’s next, cautiously.