Some time has passed.
I have tried coming back to this blog countless times,
to let my emotions out.
to let go.
After I wrote The “End-All-Be-All”, I struggled. Struggled to write anything else. Every time I wanted to, I hit a blank; I forgot every truth I wanted to say. I decided at that moment, that instead of beating myself up for not being able to find the words in my own blog, that I would go out and begin my healing.
Here we are.
Over a year later.
So much has changed and yet so much has stayed the same.
Being cheated on was a horrific and traumatic experience for me. No one deserves to be betrayed by someone they love or thought loved them back. It is a pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. And I will argue with any person who tries to tell me cheating is normal. CHEATING ON SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS NOT NORMAL NOR SHOULD IT EVER BE. If that is your thought process, to each your own, but I will never EVER agree with that statement. I loved this individual very much. I will always have love for this person. I fought extremely hard for this relationship to work. I lost myself in the process. I fell hard, and when he hurt me, I didn’t know how I would ever be okay again. It was really hard to let him go and let go of the life I had planned in my head. Those were some of the darkest days of my entire life. . .
I am living proof that healing is not linear. Not that I gave myself a deadline, like “You will be okay by this date.” No. It was a rollercoaster, though. There were SO many highs and lows. There were days where I felt invincible like I could do no wrong and everything felt right. There were also days where I couldn’t get out of bed. Mentally, I was exhausted. I am a crier, but I was tired of crying. I was tired of the pain.
My best friend called me one day and told me she was giving Soulcycle a go again and that I should join her. I had taken three or four classes the year prior and was getting into the swing of things, but then completely fell off. I decided to take her up on it, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made for myself. Soulcycle is a huge part of my life, a community I am happy to be a part of and contributed very much to my healing.
I have spent this past year surrounded by my family and friends who have lifted me up on countless occasions. I am working on a relationship with my father, that grows every single day. My mother has been my rock, my shield, my strength throughout this whole journey. I love you, mom- thank you. I grew closer to a friend from high school who I credit for helping me get back on my feet. She, along with my other best friends are my rock-solid queens who have been my mirrors and the ones I cannot shy away from my truths and fears. My family. MY FAMILY. I have laughed until I have cried, drank my sorrows away, and smiled so big with my family. I am so grateful for all the incredible memories we’ve made and continue to make. Just as easily as I was able to see who would ride with me, was I able to see who would not. It was an unfortunate truth to swallow, but I’m not here to waste my time with anyone who can’t respect me, who doesn’t understand me and who takes sides. To my tribe. I am fortunate. I am blessed. I am grateful beyond belief for every single one of them. You know who you are.
I write this as honestly as I can, in hopes that it touches someone who has been in a similar situation, who has ever felt pain, or who has let the darkness take over who they really are. As cliche as it sounds- IT GETS BETTER if you let it. Surround yourself with people who love you even though you’re always late. Write. Listen to music that makes your car shake. Find anything that makes you look forward to waking up in the mornings. Read books. Go for a walk. Take pictures of all the beautiful scenery. Visit as many places as you can. Turn your face towards the sun. Smile and mean it. Remind yourself that it will all be okay in the end. Pet all the dogs. Work out because it makes YOU feel good. Laugh and don’t ever stop. Say “Yes”, but know it’s okay to also say “No”. Dance your ass off. Eat foods that make you close your eyes because they are SO. FUCKING. DELICIOUS. Talk to your people. They want to know when it has been a good day, and when it hasn’t. Hug your parents. Let your creativity flow. It’s okay if you still remember. I’m told that the more time that passes, the more it will fade. Put your hand over your damn heart and remember that you’re here for a reason. Take deep breaths. Good things will come, I promise.
Tough times don’t last. Tough people do, remember?