Grow Through What You Go Through

Some time has passed.

I have tried coming back to this blog countless times,

to let my emotions out.
to forget.
to let go

After I wrote The “End-All-Be-All”, I struggled. Struggled to write anything else. Every time I wanted to, I hit a blank; I forgot every truth I wanted to say. I decided at that moment, that instead of beating myself up for not being able to find the words in my own blog, that I would go out and begin my healing.

Here we are.
Over a year later.
So much has changed and yet so much has stayed the same. 

Being cheated on was a horrific and traumatic experience for me. No one deserves to be betrayed by someone they love or thought loved them back. It is a pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. And I will argue with any person who tries to tell me cheating is normal. CHEATING ON SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS NOT NORMAL NOR SHOULD IT EVER BE. If that is your thought process, to each your own, but I will never EVER agree with that statement. I loved this individual very much. I will always have love for this person. I fought extremely hard for this relationship to work. I lost myself in the process. I fell hard, and when he hurt me, I didn’t know how I would ever be okay again.   It was really hard to let him go and let go of the life I had planned in my head. Those were some of the darkest days of my entire life. . .


I am living proof that healing is not linear. Not that I gave myself a deadline, like “You will be okay by this date.” No. It was a rollercoaster, though. There were SO many highs and lows. There were days where I felt invincible like I could do no wrong and everything felt right. There were also days where I couldn’t get out of bed. Mentally, I was exhausted. I am a crier, but I was tired of crying. I was tired of the pain.

My best friend called me one day and told me she was giving Soulcycle a go again and that I should join her. I had taken three or four classes the year prior and was getting into the swing of things, but then completely fell off. I decided to take her up on it, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made for myself. Soulcycle is a huge part of my life, a community I am happy to be a part of and contributed very much to my healing.

I have spent this past year surrounded by my family and friends who have lifted me up on countless occasions. I am working on a relationship with my father, that grows every single day. My mother has been my rock, my shield, my strength throughout this whole journey. I love you, mom- thank you.  I grew closer to a friend from high school who I credit for helping me get back on my feet. She, along with my other best friends are my rock-solid queens who have been my mirrors and the ones I cannot shy away from my truths and fears. My family. MY FAMILY. I have laughed until I have cried, drank my sorrows away, and smiled so big with my family. I am so grateful for all the incredible memories we’ve made and continue to make. Just as easily as I was able to see who would ride with me, was I able to see who would not. It was an unfortunate truth to swallow, but I’m not here to waste my time with anyone who can’t respect me, who doesn’t understand me and who takes sides. To my tribe. I am fortunate. I am blessed. I am grateful beyond belief for every single one of them. You know who you are.

I write this as honestly as I can, in hopes that it touches someone who has been in a similar situation, who has ever felt pain, or who has let the darkness take over who they really are. As cliche as it sounds- IT GETS BETTER if you let it. Surround yourself with people who love you even though you’re always late. Write. Listen to music that makes your car shake. Find anything that makes you look forward to waking up in the mornings. Read books. Go for a walk. Take pictures of all the beautiful scenery. Visit as many places as you can. Turn your face towards the sun. Smile and mean it. Remind yourself that it will all be okay in the end. Pet all the dogs. Work out because it makes YOU feel good. Laugh and don’t ever stop. Say “Yes”, but know it’s okay to also say “No”. Dance your ass off. Eat foods that make you close your eyes because they are SO. FUCKING. DELICIOUS. Talk to your people. They want to know when it has been a good day, and when it hasn’t. Hug your parents. Let your creativity flow. It’s okay if you still remember. I’m told that the more time that passes, the more it will fade. Put your hand over your damn heart and remember that you’re here for a reason. Take deep breaths. Good things will come, I promise.

Tough times don’t last. Tough people do, remember?


The “End-All-Be-All”

I finally went to church today.

After weeks and weeks of putting it off, and not waking up on time from lack of sleep, I made it to my first mass since we had broken up. Going to church was something that was never really pressed upon me, so when I made the decision to start going on my own, I was proud of myself. I enjoyed believing in a higher power; something greater than my own being. It was also special to have had a partner who also shared the same religion/faith as I did. It was such a satisfying feeling for me that we would go to church together.  I think now that I’m older and going forward with my life, faith will be a factor in what I look for in a future partner. For me, church felt like a restart to our week. It would be a good week because we had gone to church, and if the week wasn’t so great, we would go to church and leave all the negativity from the week there and welcome a new week. 

I had never gone to church alone. I was nervous. However, once I went in and put some holy water on myself and sat down, my insecurities slowly went away. I sat there listening to our priest talk about letting in the light. How badly had I needed some light to be shone in my life…  I had been in such a dark place for weeks. Please Lord, keep me where the light is. It was a beautiful sunny day and I was trying to make the most of it. I felt good today. I had a great day with my Godchild yesterday, and I remembered why I needed to be strong. I always made sure to leave my phone in the car because church was the one place where my sole focus was what was in front of me, not whatever was on the screen. Since the breakup, that had rung loud and clear, and I’ve cut down on the phone use more than ever before (I’m sorry for not making that more a priority sooner). I prayed a lot that morning. I prayed for God to continue to give me strength. I prayed for understanding. I prayed for him. I left church feeling at peace and ready to continue the rest of my day.

When I got in my car, I had a text from Marie. The wrath had come out in all its glory. Several days had gone by and he still hadn’t come to pick up his things from Ann’s house. At this point, Marie was past the point of irritation. I mean really, why was this so prolonged? Marie was fed up, and ultimately as my best friend, all she was wanted my phone back. 

After church, I headed to my mom’s best friends house to spend the day with family. I was nervous. The day before when I was there, her son, Alessandro had about asked him and immediately answered his own question, assuming he was at work which usually would have been the case. He was the last of “the kids” to break the news to. He was the only boy in our family and he grew attached to him. I didn’t want to lie. He was the only one who didn’t know and hadn’t been told by their parents. I knew this one would have to be from me. I walked into the house and said hi to everyone. Alessandro was in his room so I walked in to say hi to him. He gave me a huge hug and asked me about him one last time. I shut the door and took a deep breath. I told him that we weren’t together anymore. The look of shock will never stop hurting. Of course, the first question he asked was, “why?” I tried to be as honest as I could be without giving anything away. Easier said than done. God, why is this so hard? I thought that was it and I could be done, but then he asked, “So we can’t hang out with him anymore?” Alessandro was only ten. He was so young. He didn’t understand. My heart fucking burst in the worst way. I could feel MY throat closing so I quickly replied,  “No”, left the house, walked straight to my car and sobbed.  When does it stop hurting? Kids forget you know? Eventually, they will forget. I would never forget, though. Having the strength and the courage, to be honest and try to explain why it didn’t work out. There is really no explaining that to the littles. I knew if I was gone long, my mom would come downstairs and the last thing I wanted was for her to see me crying again. I knew it brought you a great deal a pain, and she didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve this. Why? 

I got a text from Ann (Marie’s mom). He had texted her and had picked up his things. And that’s that. I headed over to get the phone and I called Marie. I sobbed the entire car ride there. It was over. No more ties. It was done. He had gone to pick up his things in her car. He was surprised at all the things that were his in the garage. He returned the phone, and I went to retrieve it.

I came went back to my family after composing myself, and I decided to end my day on a good note. I took Alessandro on a date. We saw the new Power Rangers movie in D-Box seats and went to the arcade after. There were points throughout the night where he held my hand. We had a really nice time, and I’m so glad I did that. I was happy to have gotten him out of the house and spent some quality time with him because I don’t think I could remember when the last time we did that. He was happy, too. He seemed to have had a great time, and that’s all that matters. We’re making new memories.

It’s over, and I guess this is where I begin again.
I don’t even know what that means, but it’s time I find out.*

*Editors Note: This particular post took weeks to write. It was one of the hardest posts to work on because I had to write out what I had already known for over a month. I am finally wrapping this up mid-April and will keep it to the date when it should have been posted. Reading back on a month’s worth of posts has made me reflect a lot, and I am excited to fill you all in on what I have been up to since. This whole journey has been an interesting one, and look forward to what’s next, cautiously.

Scars to Your Beautiful

One month.

It’s been one month since my entire world came crashing down. I know, super dramatic right? One month since I finally felt what heartbreak really was. One month since I felt betrayal to the core of my existence. I still can’t believe this is my life now. I can’t believe I made it to one month.  It’s a milestone, for sure, but it’s also a reminder that I still have a long way to go. How is it possible to have love for someone who caused me so much pain in this way? I still love him very much. I always will. I always will. 

After briefly seeing my Godchild yesterday, I decided I would spend the day with her today. It was very important to me to make sure that the children in my life were still considered a priority. The last thing I ever wanted was for my Godchild or any of the other kids who knew me as a unit to think things were going to change in regards to the time I spent with them. This rang true for my Godchild more than anyone. You see, we spent a lot of time with the kids in my life. I refused to make any of them feel like that was going to change anytime soon because it wasn’t and I wouldn’t let it.

I headed over to pick up my niece from my aunts house. The smile on her face whenever I see her makes my heart skip a beat. Our first stop: nails. I actually couldn’t remember the time I hadn’t gotten my nails done… but then it kind of just crept up on me. Maui. It was my birthday and the day before we were leaving for our anniversary trip. It was the only time I had gotten my nails painted all white. I knew I would get tan from the gorgeous weather, and I had always wanted to get white… I stepped back into that same salon after so many months and I looked forward to finally treating myself again. Surprisingly, in the midst of all this mess, my nails grew, and they were extremely strong. I was surprised as my nails would usually break pretty easily, but nevertheless they needed to be shaped and filed down. As usual, I struggled with figuring out what color to pick, however it’s not a huge surprise: I went with pink. I had originally chosen a more coral-ish color, but unfortunately they did not have that gel color available. My Godchild suggested I add a gold glitter nail for a pop and I didn’t even think twice at that wonderful idea. She too, ended up getting the same color scheme as me. That made my day.

While we were sitting in our chairs getting the works done to our nails, a conversation came up about a picture. My Godchild wanted a picture of the three of us. If she wanted a picture, I wasn’t going to say no to that request. I quickly scanned my phone to see what pictures I could find on my phone and put them in a folder to look through. The majority of the pictures that I had were of the two of them since I always enjoyed taking pictures behind the scenes, but ultimately she picked a picture of the three of us. It was a wonderful picture; a wonderful memory. It doesn’t surprise me why she picked that particular picture. It became almost a tradition to take my Godchild to a Benihana- style restaurant where your dinner was cooked in front of you. She loved it. It was a place we went to a lot. To this day, those were still some of my favorite “dinner dates” that I will ever have. I was able to print out the picture pretty fast and we continued the rest of our day together.

The rest of our day consisted of shopping (which I had honest to god missed lol… you can take the girl out of shopping, but you can’t take the shopping out of the girl! Also, I might add my godchild has incredible taste.), dinner, and then, the most amazing car ride home. The freeway that I went on was a straight shot to my sisters house. It was a somewhat lengthy drive, but perfect to blast some music. After fidgeting through several songs, my godchild had a request: Play Scars to Your Beautiful (by Alessia Cara) 


There’s a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark
You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are
And you don’t have to change a thing
The world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful

I listened to my beautiful nine year old Godchild sing that song word for word, and as much as I had listen to this song so many times before, I was finally hearing it for the first time. The words spoke so much truth to me, and the next thing you know, there we were, belting out the song as loud as we could, just the two of us. We were making new memories. I will never forget that moment. 

I looked at at my Godchild. She is such a resilient young lady. She gives me so much strength. What started off as a difficult day turned into a great day with my favorite person ever. 

I did that. I didn’t let the pain get the best of me. I decided I wouldn’t sit around and dwell on the things I couldn’t change. 

I can do this. I can do it. I will. I will. I will. 

Need for Speed 

My brothers birthday was on Thursday and I was so excited when I found out we would be going Go-Karting. I have only done it a couple of times, but man does it give me major thrills. I needed an adrenaline rush. My kind of adrenaline rush. I felt nerves on the drive over because it was my first group outing, post breakup. I blasted music in hopes it would get rid of my nerves. I pulled in and by the time I parked, I was shaking. Thankfully, I had my Lorazepam in my purse, so I popped one in my mouth and headed inside. 

I think as under the radar as I have been, it was pretty apparent that he and I were no longer together. We had both gotten rid of our photos (me because it was painful; him because he’s with her now), and had taken each other off everything social media. I had also blocked him on Facebook, for my own sanity. My biggest fear going into this outing was that I would be asked questions and would get emotional because it is still very much painful for me. Thankfully this outing was much smaller than I was expecting and I really had nothing to worry about. Go-Karting was a BLAST. I wish I had better words to describe the rush, but I needed to feel something exhilarating. I laughed and felt myself loosen up a little bit. I have been so incredibly tense, so doing something that was a little competitive was good for me. 

My friend Elias was there. The last time I had seen him was for an ugly Christmas sweater party our married couple friends had hosted in December. I had also sent him a Christmas card as I did all of our friends in our circle… I texted Elias a few weeks back asking him to go for a drive. I hardly ever saw him, but there was a time where I considered him a close friend of mine. I knew that at the end of the day, when I really needed him, he would be there for me. That’s what I cherish in my friendships with my guy friends. We all walked to the parking lot to say our goodbyes, and I asked him if we could finally go take that drive. He said he had to wake up early the next day, but that he knew what was going on. I was stunned for a second because he was one I really wanted to tell in person, but it is what it is. He eventually agreed to meet with me and after I made my final goodbye to Lee and my brother, I followed Elias to his place. 

I dropped my car off and got in Elias’ car. We were off and went driving around his neighborhood. What I thought would be a ‘no less than an hour’ talk turned into a three hour drive. Elias is a no bullshit kind of guy, but he had some really knowledgeable things to say and I appreciated it. 

“Don’t let what happened to you define you. Don’t let him define you. Yes, you had some dreams and plans that aren’t happening the way you wanted. That doesn’t mean they aren’t going to happen. They are being put aside for other dreams and plans to come to light… Don’t stop being the person that you are. Be a 2.0. of that person, better and stronger.” 

I didn’t want to cry, but I did. Thankfully it wasn’t as much as I expected. Is that good? That scares me. It was nearing 3AM and we called it a night. I was so appreciative for having that time with him just the two of us, for talking the way we had. 

It felt like old times and that meant everything to me. Thank you, Elias. 

An Overdue Reunion

I saw my sister today.

I hadn’t seen her in three weeks. I hadn’t seen my nieces in two months (Ugh, my heart sinks just from writing that). The last time I saw my sister was the last time I had spoken with him, after I had learned the truth once and for all…

I had been distant for weeks and I needed to be. I needed time to myself. I was in a dark place trying to figure everything out. I was humiliated and I didn’t want to show my face to anyone. It hurt me more than anything that I hadn’t seen my girls in a long time, especially my God daughter. That killed me the most. I recall trying to talk to her on the phone two weeks prior, but I could hear my voice crack from the pain, and asked to talk to my sister before she could figure out I was already crying. She was the one person that meant more to me than anyone else. She is an extension of me, and the last thing I ever wanted was for her to know that I was in pain. All she knew was that we weren’t together, and that is all she needed to know. I would NEVER paint her godfather out to be a bad guy, nor would I ever talk bad about him to her, in front of her, or at all. He hurt me, not her. He loves her very much (this is I know for certain). I would hope in the midst of all his troubles, that he would reach out to my sister and continue to try to be present in her life. I know that is asking for so much, but again this isn’t about him or I; this is about the promise and commitment we made for her. I knew he took that seriously. He was honored to be a Godparent, especially to her. I hope he comes around one day, for her sake, but I also know if he doesn’t she will be fine just as I will be. I finally arrived at my sisters after picking up some lunch and I hugged her tight. I was so happy to see her. She asked me if I was comfortable talking about it all, and I was. My sister had done SO much in the days leading up to my final conversation with him. She had come over late on the night I found out about the pregnancy to get rid of his things from my house. She had spoken with him for those next several days trying to be a support for him and to figure out if there was a solution, when we both thought you might be one. But he was also lying to her. He knew more than what he was giving off, and she hasn’t heard from him since. She told me he’s been very active on Snap (not surprised considering he’s still hiding from all other outlets. I mean how does HE explain this?), and she went on to mention a particular post that was not pleasant. Then I went on to Instagram, and I saw she had changed her little icon picture to a dark, but very clear picture of the two of them. I felt sick. Two individuals who have no clue what they are getting themselves into. I had to catch my breath. I felt footsteps coming from outside, and in walked my God daughter. My heart burst. I hugged and kissed her for what felt like an eternity. I thought I would break down and cry, but I didn’t. My love for her has no bounds. I was still bothered over the photo. I needed some air. I decided to run an errand with my Godchild to clear my head and spend some quality time with her. It was good because I wanted to briefly talk about the situation, just us two. We were leaving the gas station to head over to Target:

“I know mommy has talked to about some things, and I know you know…”

*She nervously smiled and looked away*

“I always want to be honest with you and I always want you to be comfortable asking me anything, so I just wanted to see you had any questions.”


“Just know that  I am OKAY, and I will always love you”

Our conversation was brief. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, so I made it quick. It was hard to me, too. You know, when my brother-in-law found out what had happened, he texted something to me that has stayed with me throughout this entire ordeal: Now is the time to be the strong woman you would want your nieces to look up to. He was right. The last thing I ever want is for them to see me suffer. I know one day, they will go through heartbreak and I pray it is never to the extent of what I went through. However, I know I will be ready and willing to discuss my experience and be there for them like all of the incredible people in my life whom were there for me. I want my nieces and Godchild to grow up and be proud of who I am. Our Target trip was entertaining as it always is. I let my Godchild pick whatever she wanted (as I always do because I honestly cannot say no the sweetest girl on the planet, plus she doesn’t really ask for much but deserves everything) and we really made a good trip out of it. That girl is so resilient. She is strong, like my sister.

It is my turn to now be strong, not only for them, but for myself.

Rage and Change


Today was the first day that I felt rage.

Today was the day that I decided I would stop feeling sorry for him, and finally focus on myself. And thank God for that.

Finally, I was able to put a face to the name of the girl (because she’s not a woman) who played a part in turning my life upside down (temporarily). The things I did to find this out actually weren’t that difficult, and I’m not ashamed of it. I did what I had to do and I’m so glad I did. TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD. She’s a BABY. And look, I’m nowhere trying to consider myself  high and mighty because I too, am considered a baby at times, but I recall being 21 as clear as day. My mindset is not what it is now. Sure, I had responsibilities, but I was 21! I was living my life, enjoying drinks with my friends, and really soaking up being that age and not giving a flying fuck. This chick has no idea what she has gotten herself into… That is all I will say in regards to THAT.

I left work with an anger that I have never felt before. I was enraged. I headed home and called Marie. I started to cry. These were not tears of sadness. I was so angry, that I burst into tears. HOW COULD SOMEONE THROW AWAY THEIR LIFE LIKE THIS?? We didn’t have it all damn it, but we made it work. I thought we did. These thoughts will always haunt me. When the tears stopped, I composed myself (I was driving after all), and all I could feel was anger again. Is this what it was going to be like from now on? Coming from someone who doesn’t really ever feel anger (because I just cry lol), it almost felt like an adrenaline rush. I arrived home,  needing to blast my music loud, and in the mood to break something.  I went into my closet and grabbed the only Christmas present I ever received from you. It was a quote that you had written out in the most beautiful cursive: “Love one another deeply from the heart.” I still remember when you gave it to me. You were so nervous because it was the first time you had drawn something and given it away as a gift. You didn’t know if I would even like it… I sobbed because it was one of the most thoughtful things I’d ever been given, and for the rest of our time together, it hung in our room above my necklaces. I walked out of the house into our front yard, and threw it hard onto the ground. Glass shattered everywhere. Why was this all happening and why did it need to happen to me? I stared at my own “work of art” that I just had done, and I grabbed the frame and kept it going. I proceeded to sweep up all the glass and continue with my day.* It made me feel better. I got my anger out.

I spent the rest of the day with my cousin. We had dinner and drinks, ran some errands, laughed, listened to music (that wasn’t sad). For the first time, I felt a little more like myself. I smiled and actually felt happy. One day I will be completely disconnected from all of this, but for now this day was a milestone for me.

*Also. No, I didn’t throw the quote away. It has been put away in a box and that’s where it will stay. 

Awake my SOUL

Today, I spoke to my middle school best friend, Gabriella. Yes, if you haven’t already noticed. I have a few best friends. They are part of different stages of my life, and yet are still a part of my life today. I love them with all my heart. She moved to Michigan years ago and embarked on her own journey in life and left home. I have known her for such a long time, I consider her my family. I have recently kept more in touch with her mom and sister and we try to see each other whenever we can. I decided to give her a call today after work because I know she has been worried about me, and I couldn’t even tell her what had happened. At the time, I was still very much embarrassed, ashamed, and mortified about everything that happened. Those feelings still reside with me, but I wanted to talk to her and check in like we always do from time to time. She was actually here in January, but I remember I was so sick when she came home (figures). She did come and see right before she caught her flight and I was so happy about that. She returned my call, and we spoke for what felt like hours. For someone who has been through a different kind of grief, she understood my pain. Like Marie, she too validated my feelings. “Don’t let anyone tell you what you’re feeling isn’t okay, because it is.” I said a lot of things I hadn’t said out loud. Everything that I am has changed. I cried multiple times on the phone with her. I talked to her until I got into my car to head to Soul Cycle.

Lee had some classes she needed to use up, and I was determined to get back in the game somehow. I needed something to distract me, and why not SOUL? Literally, a year ago, I dived into Soul Cycle, which a had heard from a really good friend at work. I decided to try it as a means of getting myself back in shape, and I felt AWESOME going. The classes are kind of pricey, but man the feeling I felt at Soul is like nothing I’ve ever felt working out. Lee and I had originally scheduled a class  the day before, but I was wait listed, and she didn’t feel well so I never called back to inquire if there was space. I’ve never been comfortable working out alone and I wasn’t going to start yesterday. Any who, I jetted over to Soul and like Lee had warned, the parking sitch was not the best. I made it, but was late which I hate. An old friend whom I used to be on dance team with works there and got me ready on my bike. The rest was history. I don’t know what it is about SOUL, but man did it ignite a fuel to my fire. I was angry and I used that anger to push through the pain. It was still hard considering I hadn’t been in so many months, but I did it. I forced myself to go, I had Lee by my side, and for an hour I forgot about everything that consumed my mind. I drove home with a tiny sense of confidence.

Lee, if you’re reading this: Thank you for pushing me to get out of the house, and for igniting a fire in me that I have needed. You’re tougher than most. Thank you for hating him when I couldn’t. 

I will be strong again. I will smile and truly mean it. I will rise up, and I’m going to have the comeback that I’ve dreamed of: Mind, body, and spirit.

A Letter to my Sweet “Rose”:

Happy birthday to the sweetest girl on the planet. You’re six! It’s so crazy to think how fast the time has gone by. You’re in kindergarten now. You are strong, intelligent, and brave. You are still the silly girl I came to know and love many moons ago. The last time I saw you was on your 4th birthday. Your birthday was paw patrol themed. We were all at the park. We took some pictures and I will always keep those close to me. I’m sorry I was so absent from your life for as long as I was. I didn’t want to be, and it wasn’t my choice. As you grow up, you will see this world is full of so many difficult things. I miss you. I miss the silliness we shared for a short amount of time. I miss  reading to you, though I’m pretty sure you are now reading on your own. I miss our mini dance parties. I miss taking you to the park or anywhere of the matter and being asked if you were my daughter because the resemblance was crazy similar. You will grow up to be one incredible young lady. You have probably already forgotten me, and that is okay. I will never forget you, my sweet girl. I hope your birthday was full of laughs, smiles and love from start to finish. May all your birthdays always be that way.

Love always,



The Palace

After leaving Marie’s and saying our “see you soon”, my plan was to go home. It was a little past midnight and I had work the following morning. Marie and I are only an exit away from each other, but I felt an impulse to continue driving. I was sad to leave my best friend, who had lifted my spirits for the weekend and distracted the negativity that was floating in my head. I was also really disappointed in him. I really thought he would come and get his things. How closed off can you be? These are your personal belongings we’re talking about. Are you afraid of the wrath of my best friend? You should be, but who really wants anymore drama? This was your day off and you spent it having fun and enjoying yourself. Your person took you out just like mine did. I get it. I focused on driving and realized I missed my exit. I kept going with no intentions of turning around. I knew exactly where I was headed.

I hadn’t driven through the city that late in a while. There is something beautiful about driving towards the city late at night. It’s like a ghost town: deserted, quiet, and beautiful. It was an easy drive with hardly any traffic. When I arrived at the palace, my heart skipped a beat. It felt like ages since I had been there. When you are “in hiding” and don’t want to leave your house, it almost feels like you’ve missed out on so much. Honestly, I had no problem with that. It’s not like I wanted to be out and about anyway. I have no desire for it still and I’m working on that. My anxiety quickly takes over with thoughts of running into anyone I might know. Even though Marie has dismissed those negative thoughts, it’s still something I think about consistently. Having to do things alone is a challenge due to my anxiety. I get extremely nervous, and at times I’ve found myself starting to shake and not being able to breathe correctly… Surprisingly I found parking right in front of the palace (this never happens) and I turned off the car and played my Spotify playlist named after this blog. I didn’t cry. My eyes were locked with the palace. This had been my favorite place for years. That changed when the two of us started coming here. It went from my place to our place. It was where he asked me to be his girlfriend, where we slowed danced under the dome in the rain on our one year anniversary, where he gave me my promise ring. I envisioned us getting engaged there, telling him I was pregnant with our child there, etc… It’s all I could think about and I took a big sigh and finally got out of the car. All the times we would go to the palace and walk around hand in hand, there were two swans swimming around in the water. I named them Jack and Sally (from The Nightmare before Christmas). What I didn’t know about a pair of swans is they mate for life (Thanks, BBC). However, the moment I stepped out of the car and stood in front of the place that held some of my most memorable moments, I saw Sally swim by, alone. Jack was nowhere in sight, or at least out of my view. It was somewhat ironic that something like that had occurred in that very moment. Is there some symbolism from that moment? Sure, but grief fell deep into my heart. I looked around for a few more minutes, taking in the cool air and light wind and the beautifully lit area that lay in front of me. I got back in my car, and drove home.

Yes, the palace will always have a special place in my heart. I will never stop going there, even if that means going alone, late at night. What was once our place has gone back to being my place, and that will never change. And yes, I will ALWAYS think of you when I go there. 

Sunday Blues

I was mad at Marie for about 30 minutes today… until I realized this is what friendship is all about.

When I packed up the rest of his things from our bedroom the weekend prior, I secretly hoped I would see him again. I didn’t expect a full-blown conversation because that won’t happen for a while; who knows if it will happen at all… I didn’t care so much about returning all of the other things, but his mail was the most important because he needs to do his taxes. He needs the money more than ever. Tax season was always a plus for us. A little extra money in our pockets always meant we could go on an extra special date night or buy something that would benefit us, or get away to some hotel like we usually did. Those nights were always my favorite. However, just as he needed his taxes, I needed his old phone. Unfortunately we were on the same plan and we were financing our phones at the same time; I was at the end of my payments and he wasn’t even a year in. After everything was said and done, I suspended his line, but in order to cancel the line, I need to pay off the remaining balance on his phone. Lesson learned. I will never share a phone plan with anyone again. I’m not made out of money, nor can I pay it all off so that will be a work in progress and I need to let it go. There is a small bag somewhere in the boxes and the mess that holds all of my cards, love letters, some pictures, and tickets from the last three years of our relationship. I always envisioned myself meeting up with him, getting the last of his things out of my car and handing him the bag myself.

“Here is the last three years of our relationship. Our love. Our memories. Do with it what you will. I will always love you…”

That’s it. I won’t ever get that moment though and I am learning to accept it. Marie let me know that she had tried to get in touch with him through social media, and had also tried his new number. He briefly responded and said they would be in touch to meet up and get his belongings. I was so upset because something that I had pictured in my head wasn’t going to happen and I begged her to please let me go with her. I wanted to let go of the last of his things and see him. I commend her for being so stern and putting her foot down. Deep down, I know if the roles were reversed, I would do the same for her. She said it wouldn’t be good for me. I don’t fully believe that, considering all of the things I had to do in the last three weeks that also haven’t been good for me. Sadly, he never picked up his belongings and never returned her messages or phone calls. His things now reside in our “neutral zone” being my other mother’s (Ann) house, and I hope he picks up all of his things soon. 

Marie, if you’re reading this. Thank you. Thank you for being in my life for the last seven years. Thank you helping me pick up the pieces as you always have. Thank you for being this spit fire of energy that I currently don’t have, but needed over the weekend. Thank you for laughing and letting me laugh with you. Thank you for letting me cry. Thank you for validating everything I have said in the last three weeks. Thank you for listening to everything I have said in the last three weeks. Thank you for being my best friend. You are truly a gift. No one else compares. I love you.