Preface: My Story (so far).

What the hell are you doing?”

Honestly, I have no idea. I have talked about starting a blog for years. YEARS. I had a tumblr and I was pretty consistent on it, until one day I felt myself going dark and I shut it down cold turkey. I tried again a few years later, but I felt I couldn’t be honest. I couldn’t be me. Fast forward several years and I’m still not there yet, but I needed some kind of outlet. I needed honesty where I couldn’t find it before. I needed to tell my story and I guess this journey I’m about to embark on. I’m starting over, and I’m terrified. I don’t know what I will get out of this. I don’t know what I want out of this. I don’t know much about anything anymore. I am diving into the unfamiliar. There is a lot of uncertainty in this first post. I’m nervous. I wonder what it will be like to look back on this in the future, but even that is hard to think about… I can’t even think about the future, and it is something that was always on my mind…

My future… Our future… 

He was having an affair. She’s pregnant. There, I said it. 

It has been 18 days since he told me. He didn’t tell me the whole truth, but how could he right? Ultimately, I figured it all out in the days leading up to . How does someone wake up one day and decide to quit on the one person who has been a constant in his life for almost six years? I sit and think about conversations in the past where we openly discussed coming from broken homes (both of our parents are divorced; his are both remarried; mine have been in serious relationships for a long time) and how that affected us; divorce I mean. We promised our life together would be different. We promised we would give up on each other, no matter how difficult it got… Why do people cheat? Why does it get to that point? To make things worse, he added insult to injury. How did we go from being in Maui for our anniversary to a full-blown affair not even a month later and our relationship being over a month after that. And now he has another life in his hands to worry about? I’m still at a loss. I’m still in shock. It’s all too much. I still have yet to acquire a solid nights rest. I sit here writing my first post that has taken three days in what used to be our bedroom that has been hit by a tornado. His things are gone. My clothes are still in bins from when we house-sat for a friend of mine before this all occurred.  All the framed pictures are gone. The closets are empty.

I am empty. I sleep on his side, but I don’t sleep because sleeping alone is unbearable. My promise ring is back in its box and sits in his now empty nightstand. I kept a dirty t-shirt that smells of him. I’m twenty-six and I have to start over. Not where I wanted to be at this point in my life. This is all so raw still.  I have every right to hate him, but anger is not what I feel here. I don’t think I ever will… Lot of disappointment? Absolutely. Unfortunately, people don’t think here. They don’t realize the chain reaction this has caused when they go and cheat and lead this double life. My family, close friends; our godchild. I have a village behind me. I am surrounded by love and I am thankful for that, but it doesn’t matter how distracted I will be one day, or how busy I keep myself. At the end of the day, everyone has someone they go home to and their life to lead. I don’t. I am alone in the evenings, and alone when I awake.

I will only become more and more open as the time goes on with this blog. I have yet to release any names, and I wont. It’s unnecessary. I am not trying to bash anyone here. I just feel I have this story to tell, and I don’t even know what’s next. We’ll see where we go from here.

I am mourning and this is only the beginning…


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