Rage and Change

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Today was the first day that I felt rage.

Today was the day that I decided I would stop feeling sorry for him, and finally focus on myself. And thank God for that.

Finally, I was able to put a face to the name of the girl (because she’s not a woman) who played a part in turning my life upside down (temporarily). The things I did to find this out actually weren’t that difficult, and I’m not ashamed of it. I did what I had to do and I’m so glad I did. TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD. She’s a BABY. And look, I’m nowhere trying to consider myself  high and mighty because I too, am considered a baby at times, but I recall being 21 as clear as day. My mindset is not what it is now. Sure, I had responsibilities, but I was 21! I was living my life, enjoying drinks with my friends, and really soaking up being that age and not giving a flying fuck. This chick has no idea what she has gotten herself into… That is all I will say in regards to THAT.

I left work with an anger that I have never felt before. I was enraged. I headed home and called Marie. I started to cry. These were not tears of sadness. I was so angry, that I burst into tears. HOW COULD SOMEONE THROW AWAY THEIR LIFE LIKE THIS?? We didn’t have it all damn it, but we made it work. I thought we did. These thoughts will always haunt me. When the tears stopped, I composed myself (I was driving after all), and all I could feel was anger again. Is this what it was going to be like from now on? Coming from someone who doesn’t really ever feel anger (because I just cry lol), it almost felt like an adrenaline rush. I arrived home,  needing to blast my music loud, and in the mood to break something.  I went into my closet and grabbed the only Christmas present I ever received from you. It was a quote that you had written out in the most beautiful cursive: “Love one another deeply from the heart.” I still remember when you gave it to me. You were so nervous because it was the first time you had drawn something and given it away as a gift. You didn’t know if I would even like it… I sobbed because it was one of the most thoughtful things I’d ever been given, and for the rest of our time together, it hung in our room above my necklaces. I walked out of the house into our front yard, and threw it hard onto the ground. Glass shattered everywhere. Why was this all happening and why did it need to happen to me? I stared at my own “work of art” that I just had done, and I grabbed the frame and kept it going. I proceeded to sweep up all the glass and continue with my day.* It made me feel better. I got my anger out.

I spent the rest of the day with my cousin. We had dinner and drinks, ran some errands, laughed, listened to music (that wasn’t sad). For the first time, I felt a little more like myself. I smiled and actually felt happy. One day I will be completely disconnected from all of this, but for now this day was a milestone for me.

*Also. No, I didn’t throw the quote away. It has been put away in a box and that’s where it will stay. 

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