I saw my sister today.
I hadn’t seen her in three weeks. I hadn’t seen my nieces in two months (Ugh, my heart sinks just from writing that). The last time I saw my sister was the last time I had spoken with him, after I had learned the truth once and for all…
I had been distant for weeks and I needed to be. I needed time to myself. I was in a dark place trying to figure everything out. I was humiliated and I didn’t want to show my face to anyone. It hurt me more than anything that I hadn’t seen my girls in a long time, especially my God daughter. That killed me the most. I recall trying to talk to her on the phone two weeks prior, but I could hear my voice crack from the pain, and asked to talk to my sister before she could figure out I was already crying. She was the one person that meant more to me than anyone else. She is an extension of me, and the last thing I ever wanted was for her to know that I was in pain. All she knew was that we weren’t together, and that is all she needed to know. I would NEVER paint her godfather out to be a bad guy, nor would I ever talk bad about him to her, in front of her, or at all. He hurt me, not her. He loves her very much (this is I know for certain). I would hope in the midst of all his troubles, that he would reach out to my sister and continue to try to be present in her life. I know that is asking for so much, but again this isn’t about him or I; this is about the promise and commitment we made for her. I knew he took that seriously. He was honored to be a Godparent, especially to her. I hope he comes around one day, for her sake, but I also know if he doesn’t she will be fine just as I will be. I finally arrived at my sisters after picking up some lunch and I hugged her tight. I was so happy to see her. She asked me if I was comfortable talking about it all, and I was. My sister had done SO much in the days leading up to my final conversation with him. She had come over late on the night I found out about the pregnancy to get rid of his things from my house. She had spoken with him for those next several days trying to be a support for him and to figure out if there was a solution, when we both thought you might be one. But he was also lying to her. He knew more than what he was giving off, and she hasn’t heard from him since. She told me he’s been very active on Snap (not surprised considering he’s still hiding from all other outlets. I mean how does HE explain this?), and she went on to mention a particular post that was not pleasant. Then I went on to Instagram, and I saw she had changed her little icon picture to a dark, but very clear picture of the two of them. I felt sick. Two individuals who have no clue what they are getting themselves into. I had to catch my breath. I felt footsteps coming from outside, and in walked my God daughter. My heart burst. I hugged and kissed her for what felt like an eternity. I thought I would break down and cry, but I didn’t. My love for her has no bounds. I was still bothered over the photo. I needed some air. I decided to run an errand with my Godchild to clear my head and spend some quality time with her. It was good because I wanted to briefly talk about the situation, just us two. We were leaving the gas station to head over to Target:
“I know mommy has talked to about some things, and I know you know…”
*She nervously smiled and looked away*
“I always want to be honest with you and I always want you to be comfortable asking me anything, so I just wanted to see you had any questions.”
“Just know that I am OKAY, and I will always love you”
Our conversation was brief. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, so I made it quick. It was hard to me, too. You know, when my brother-in-law found out what had happened, he texted something to me that has stayed with me throughout this entire ordeal: Now is the time to be the strong woman you would want your nieces to look up to. He was right. The last thing I ever want is for them to see me suffer. I know one day, they will go through heartbreak and I pray it is never to the extent of what I went through. However, I know I will be ready and willing to discuss my experience and be there for them like all of the incredible people in my life whom were there for me. I want my nieces and Godchild to grow up and be proud of who I am. Our Target trip was entertaining as it always is. I let my Godchild pick whatever she wanted (as I always do because I honestly cannot say no the sweetest girl on the planet, plus she doesn’t really ask for much but deserves everything) and we really made a good trip out of it. That girl is so resilient. She is strong, like my sister.
It is my turn to now be strong, not only for them, but for myself.