My brothers birthday was on Thursday and I was so excited when I found out we would be going Go-Karting. I have only done it a couple of times, but man does it give me major thrills. I needed an adrenaline rush. My kind of adrenaline rush. I felt nerves on the drive over because it was my first group outing, post breakup. I blasted music in hopes it would get rid of my nerves. I pulled in and by the time I parked, I was shaking. Thankfully, I had my Lorazepam in my purse, so I popped one in my mouth and headed inside.
I think as under the radar as I have been, it was pretty apparent that he and I were no longer together. We had both gotten rid of our photos (me because it was painful; him because he’s with her now), and had taken each other off everything social media. I had also blocked him on Facebook, for my own sanity. My biggest fear going into this outing was that I would be asked questions and would get emotional because it is still very much painful for me. Thankfully this outing was much smaller than I was expecting and I really had nothing to worry about. Go-Karting was a BLAST. I wish I had better words to describe the rush, but I needed to feel something exhilarating. I laughed and felt myself loosen up a little bit. I have been so incredibly tense, so doing something that was a little competitive was good for me.
My friend Elias was there. The last time I had seen him was for an ugly Christmas sweater party our married couple friends had hosted in December. I had also sent him a Christmas card as I did all of our friends in our circle… I texted Elias a few weeks back asking him to go for a drive. I hardly ever saw him, but there was a time where I considered him a close friend of mine. I knew that at the end of the day, when I really needed him, he would be there for me. That’s what I cherish in my friendships with my guy friends. We all walked to the parking lot to say our goodbyes, and I asked him if we could finally go take that drive. He said he had to wake up early the next day, but that he knew what was going on. I was stunned for a second because he was one I really wanted to tell in person, but it is what it is. He eventually agreed to meet with me and after I made my final goodbye to Lee and my brother, I followed Elias to his place.
I dropped my car off and got in Elias’ car. We were off and went driving around his neighborhood. What I thought would be a ‘no less than an hour’ talk turned into a three hour drive. Elias is a no bullshit kind of guy, but he had some really knowledgeable things to say and I appreciated it.
“Don’t let what happened to you define you. Don’t let him define you. Yes, you had some dreams and plans that aren’t happening the way you wanted. That doesn’t mean they aren’t going to happen. They are being put aside for other dreams and plans to come to light… Don’t stop being the person that you are. Be a 2.0. of that person, better and stronger.”
I didn’t want to cry, but I did. Thankfully it wasn’t as much as I expected. Is that good? That scares me. It was nearing 3AM and we called it a night. I was so appreciative for having that time with him just the two of us, for talking the way we had.
It felt like old times and that meant everything to me. Thank you, Elias.