It’s been one month since my entire world came crashing down. I know, super dramatic right? One month since I finally felt what heartbreak really was. One month since I felt betrayal to the core of my existence. I still can’t believe this is my life now. I can’t believe I made it to one month. It’s a milestone, for sure, but it’s also a reminder that I still have a long way to go. How is it possible to have love for someone who caused me so much pain in this way? I still love him very much. I always will. I always will.
After briefly seeing my Godchild yesterday, I decided I would spend the day with her today. It was very important to me to make sure that the children in my life were still considered a priority. The last thing I ever wanted was for my Godchild or any of the other kids who knew me as a unit to think things were going to change in regards to the time I spent with them. This rang true for my Godchild more than anyone. You see, we spent a lot of time with the kids in my life. I refused to make any of them feel like that was going to change anytime soon because it wasn’t and I wouldn’t let it.
I headed over to pick up my niece from my aunts house. The smile on her face whenever I see her makes my heart skip a beat. Our first stop: nails. I actually couldn’t remember the time I hadn’t gotten my nails done… but then it kind of just crept up on me. Maui. It was my birthday and the day before we were leaving for our anniversary trip. It was the only time I had gotten my nails painted all white. I knew I would get tan from the gorgeous weather, and I had always wanted to get white… I stepped back into that same salon after so many months and I looked forward to finally treating myself again. Surprisingly, in the midst of all this mess, my nails grew, and they were extremely strong. I was surprised as my nails would usually break pretty easily, but nevertheless they needed to be shaped and filed down. As usual, I struggled with figuring out what color to pick, however it’s not a huge surprise: I went with pink. I had originally chosen a more coral-ish color, but unfortunately they did not have that gel color available. My Godchild suggested I add a gold glitter nail for a pop and I didn’t even think twice at that wonderful idea. She too, ended up getting the same color scheme as me. That made my day.
While we were sitting in our chairs getting the works done to our nails, a conversation came up about a picture. My Godchild wanted a picture of the three of us. If she wanted a picture, I wasn’t going to say no to that request. I quickly scanned my phone to see what pictures I could find on my phone and put them in a folder to look through. The majority of the pictures that I had were of the two of them since I always enjoyed taking pictures behind the scenes, but ultimately she picked a picture of the three of us. It was a wonderful picture; a wonderful memory. It doesn’t surprise me why she picked that particular picture. It became almost a tradition to take my Godchild to a Benihana- style restaurant where your dinner was cooked in front of you. She loved it. It was a place we went to a lot. To this day, those were still some of my favorite “dinner dates” that I will ever have. I was able to print out the picture pretty fast and we continued the rest of our day together.
The rest of our day consisted of shopping (which I had honest to god missed lol… you can take the girl out of shopping, but you can’t take the shopping out of the girl! Also, I might add my godchild has incredible taste.), dinner, and then, the most amazing car ride home. The freeway that I went on was a straight shot to my sisters house. It was a somewhat lengthy drive, but perfect to blast some music. After fidgeting through several songs, my godchild had a request: Play Scars to Your Beautiful (by Alessia Cara)
There’s a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark
You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are
And you don’t have to change a thing
The world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful
I listened to my beautiful nine year old Godchild sing that song word for word, and as much as I had listen to this song so many times before, I was finally hearing it for the first time. The words spoke so much truth to me, and the next thing you know, there we were, belting out the song as loud as we could, just the two of us. We were making new memories. I will never forget that moment.
I looked at at my Godchild. She is such a resilient young lady. She gives me so much strength. What started off as a difficult day turned into a great day with my favorite person ever.
I did that. I didn’t let the pain get the best of me. I decided I wouldn’t sit around and dwell on the things I couldn’t change.
I can do this. I can do it. I will. I will. I will.