Evermore

The movie was phenomenal, but this song really did it for me.

Now I know she’ll never leave me
Even as she fades from view
She will still inspire me
Be a part of everything I do
Wasting in my lonely tower
Waiting by an open door
I’ll fool myself, she’ll walk right in
And as the long, long nights begin
I’ll think of all that might have been
Waiting here for evermore

Advertisements

“Hey, where is your husband?”

It was like nails to a chalkboard.
Thank God I was sitting down because if I had been standing up, I probably would have fallen over. 

But before I go any further with that story, I will start with the beginning.. My best friend Marie picked up a rental and drove from Los Angeles straight to yours truly. The night before had been very dark.  I didn’t have work and I just couldn’t get out of bed all day. I hated it. It’s so hard to shake this and lead a normal life again by myself. I did it my whole life, and now? Marie practically took off the sheets from under me, dragged me out of bed and pushed me into the shower. In the meantime, she tidied up my room. I tell  you, that girl is something else. She packed a bag for the rest of the day and we were off.

We went back to her house and the plan was to get something to eat before we went to our scheduled movie in the afternoon with the family. I suggested our favorite breakfast spot that we went to after church because regardless, the food in incredible and it was the first time in three weeks that I had a craving for anything. We walked in and I ordered my usual (Benedict with well done potatoes). I grabbed the only booth and she called my friend Lee who was supposed to meet us there. There is a gentleman there who is always there on the weekends and would take our order on Sunday when we would go after church. He came to our table and brought our drinks. I smiled and said hello and then he said blurted out, “Hey, where is your husband? Or is that, done?” I get it, but man it doesn’t get anymore direct than that. He said HUSBAND. My heart dropped. He clearly paid attention to the promise ring on my figner. I wonder if he noticed it was absent and I bare a faint tan line on my ring finger. I wanted to crawl in my seat. “Oh, he’s working”, I said and he quickly walked away. Mind you this all happened in Spanish, but Marie heard the word ‘esposo’ and she also saw the look on my face. It wasn’t hard to put together what had just happened. I took several deep breaths and wiped the tears off my face. Lee show up just in time and I was able to enjoy the rest of my breakfast. I gave Lee a hug and apoligized for being so distant.

Thank god for girlfriends. The rest of a day was a rollercoaster. We watched Beauty & the Beast (My previous post obviously gave that away). I sobbed because why not. Marie and I drove back to the house and then we went for a walk. She gets it. She gets all of it. Even the things that sounds ridiculous in my head, she validates it. She lifts me up by telling me I am getting stronger everyday. That scares me. We ended the night with a nice dinner. I let myself enjoy one drink, the company of two of my best friends, and I even wore my heels that I tucked away in my closet. I wore makeup for the first time in three weeks. Normalcy, even if it was just temporary.

Thank you God for the friends that become your family.

I don’t understand.

Sobbing.

I opened up my 2016 planner and I flipped it to December. I flipped through the weeks. We celebrated three years in Maui. We came back and went back to work. There were a bunch of holiday outings and then the holidays came. I flipped through my current planner and flipped through the weeks in January that led up to our big fight that we had at the end of the month… nothing. We were busy, we were doing things. I don’t understand, and it makes me so incredibly sad. When did you decide you were through? WHEN? When did you wake up and decide that you were going to give up on our life and our love? Was I really that awful to you? I loved you with every ounce of my being. The worst part of this all is isn’t that you went and knocked up someone else.

You slept around with someone who you barely know and you didn’t use protection. You continued to sleep with me. You didn’t even think about the consequences and what that might have meant for me and even for you. Foolish in every way, shape, and form. I am so upset. I am so hurt. Here are the most raw of my emotions. I’m so disappointed in you. It’s not fair what you CHOSE TO DO. I never had a say in any of this. You asked for a break after our big fight. You should have just ended it there and not been such a pussy and stuck around for another month. You always knew you had a place to stay with our friend. You should have told me the truth. Maybe then you wouldn’t be in the predicament that you are in today.

Where is my Lorazepam?

Immobile

Days off from work used to bring me so much joy. I would make sure I slept in an hour or two than I usually do, and make sure my day was jam-packed full of places and people to see. It made it all the more better when his days off coordinated with mine and we could do all of those things together…

I slept. Guess my psychologists recommendation of bumping up my sleep medication actually did the trick. It made me feel really groggy though, so we’ll see.  Did I mention I’m on medication? For the first time ever in my life, I need medication to help me get through my day… One for anxiety, another for sleep which also doubles as an anti-depressant, and the last is for nausea. Super. I mean seriously, I pop an extra strength Tylenol once every blue moon when a headache creeps up, but that’s pretty much it. Again, unfamiliar territory. My hope is to get off medication eventually because regardless of how it might help me, I have never liked being on any kind of medication and I’ve never needed to be, until recently.

It’s past 5 o’clock (8 o’clock now because I took a break) and guess who is still in bed? I can’t do it. I can’t go outside. I can’t do anything. I feel darker than I ever have before. I had my first appointment with my psychologist on Wednesday. I was so nervous. I hadn’t slept in two days and it was so hard to get out of bed that morning. I tried to look as put together as I could and without any makeup because really I haven’t really seen the point of makeup since I end up crying it off, so I’ve stopped wearing it currently. That might not seem out of the ordinary, but it is for someone who would enjoy wearing it all the time. Alas, I’m sure that will come back in time… Anyway, the appointment was interesting. Seeing a therapist has been something I’ve been wanting to do before all of this even happened. About a year ago, I lost my grandpa to pancreatic cancer. He was my best friend and we were very close. The doctors where he lived couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. By the time they figured out it was cancer, it was too late. We lost him 7 weeks later. I was devastated, but I didn’t show it. My mothers work was really difficult with giving her the time off so she could fly to see him, so I took grievance at my work and covered the days she couldn’t get off from her job so she could go. I’ve never really talked about his death. I swept it under the rug, and continued on with the year as best as I could. I found myself having outbursts and crying every now and then for “no reason”. I knew this was affecting my relationship. I stopped caring about a lot of things, and I own up to that. I told him all of this. He knew. He knew I wanted to go and see someone. This isn’t just about my grandfather anymore. My therapist and I talked about a lot more than what I was expecting and that is why I’m interested to see where this goes. I’ve never had to talk about any of this stuff: My grandpa’s death, my parents, their divorce, him and our relationship. I keep a lot of things in, and considering how open of a person I used to be, it’ll come as a shock to my nearest and dearest. I’m open to therapy. I want it to help me, but I know that this requires effort from me as well. We’ll get there. This blog helps, too. The more I find myself writing, the more open I will be.

My best friend Marie*, who lives in Los Angeles is coming home for a couple of days. She knows what has been going on, and she’s the only person who I feel truly understands me at this point. It’s been three weeks and it just seems like everyone excepts me to bounce back and be “OK”. I’m not. I can’t even say I’m fine. I don’t even know what to say when people ask me how I am. I guess that is where I’m being the dishonest one… She gets it though and that’s all that matters. It’ll be nice to have her home.

One day at a time…

* All names have been changed… but I’m sure you already knew that. 

 

 

Preface: My Story (so far).

What the hell are you doing?”

Honestly, I have no idea. I have talked about starting a blog for years. YEARS. I had a tumblr and I was pretty consistent on it, until one day I felt myself going dark and I shut it down cold turkey. I tried again a few years later, but I felt I couldn’t be honest. I couldn’t be me. Fast forward several years and I’m still not there yet, but I needed some kind of outlet. I needed honesty where I couldn’t find it before. I needed to tell my story and I guess this journey I’m about to embark on. I’m starting over, and I’m terrified. I don’t know what I will get out of this. I don’t know what I want out of this. I don’t know much about anything anymore. I am diving into the unfamiliar. There is a lot of uncertainty in this first post. I’m nervous. I wonder what it will be like to look back on this in the future, but even that is hard to think about… I can’t even think about the future, and it is something that was always on my mind…

My future… Our future… 

He was having an affair. She’s pregnant. There, I said it. 

It has been 18 days since he told me. He didn’t tell me the whole truth, but how could he right? Ultimately, I figured it all out in the days leading up to . How does someone wake up one day and decide to quit on the one person who has been a constant in his life for almost six years? I sit and think about conversations in the past where we openly discussed coming from broken homes (both of our parents are divorced; his are both remarried; mine have been in serious relationships for a long time) and how that affected us; divorce I mean. We promised our life together would be different. We promised we would give up on each other, no matter how difficult it got… Why do people cheat? Why does it get to that point? To make things worse, he added insult to injury. How did we go from being in Maui for our anniversary to a full-blown affair not even a month later and our relationship being over a month after that. And now he has another life in his hands to worry about? I’m still at a loss. I’m still in shock. It’s all too much. I still have yet to acquire a solid nights rest. I sit here writing my first post that has taken three days in what used to be our bedroom that has been hit by a tornado. His things are gone. My clothes are still in bins from when we house-sat for a friend of mine before this all occurred.  All the framed pictures are gone. The closets are empty.

I am empty. I sleep on his side, but I don’t sleep because sleeping alone is unbearable. My promise ring is back in its box and sits in his now empty nightstand. I kept a dirty t-shirt that smells of him. I’m twenty-six and I have to start over. Not where I wanted to be at this point in my life. This is all so raw still.  I have every right to hate him, but anger is not what I feel here. I don’t think I ever will… Lot of disappointment? Absolutely. Unfortunately, people don’t think here. They don’t realize the chain reaction this has caused when they go and cheat and lead this double life. My family, close friends; our godchild. I have a village behind me. I am surrounded by love and I am thankful for that, but it doesn’t matter how distracted I will be one day, or how busy I keep myself. At the end of the day, everyone has someone they go home to and their life to lead. I don’t. I am alone in the evenings, and alone when I awake.

I will only become more and more open as the time goes on with this blog. I have yet to release any names, and I wont. It’s unnecessary. I am not trying to bash anyone here. I just feel I have this story to tell, and I don’t even know what’s next. We’ll see where we go from here.

I am mourning and this is only the beginning…